Failure

writer-depressed

So it’s NANOWRIMO…. Every year I have the best intention to write every day and complete a lot of writing work. And every year I fail horribly.

I tried really hard this year but as each day went by, this giant wall just hit me. I can’t write. I haven’t been able to write for a long time. It seems like it’s been this way since I finished The Underground Dogs.

I thought I broke the block the other day when I came up with a new plot for one of the novels I have going on. It doesn’t seem like it, though. I still can’t seem to write anything of the story.

I can’t seem to write anything at all.

I don’t know why, really. I think some of it is that I feel disappointed that The Underground Dogs isn’t selling as much as I hoped it would, so I have this feeling of “What’s the point of writing anything if no one is going to read it?” Another part of me just always thinks my stuff is crap, and then yet another part of me is so let down at the fact I’m a tiny drop in an ocean of other “writers” trying to get their words out there. (I wonder how many of them are really storytellers though?)

I just don’t know what to do. I just hope I can force myself to sit down and write something soon. It’s making me very sad and I think it’s just making my depression worse and worse…..

Running to Stand Still

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Blade Runner 2049 movie poster

That’s a U2 song. 10 points if you got it.

I’m…here. Surviving. Trying. I guess.

I’ve had a tough time battling my Depression and Anxiety, and there have been some pretty sad family issues over the past few months. I haven’t written much. But those aren’t really the reasons I haven’t picked up the pen… I feel pretty worthless as far as being a writer goes.

I keep reading stuff by other [better] writers and getting rejection letters, so my self-esteem is pretty much at the bottom of the barrel right now. All I want to do is tell stories, you know. Save people. All this is such a broken record if you’ve followed this blog…

I finally saw Blade Runner 2049 the other night. The original Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time. This sequel is right up at the top of the list now, too. I don’t know; I watch stuff or listen to music and it does something to my brain and my heart that makes me want to try again–try telling my stories again, I mean. You put that soundtrack and story together and well, I guess I am inspired again. I am now inspired to work on my sci-fi novel and maybe even some short sci-fi pieces.

But it’s in a sad sort of way. Like, “what’s the point?” I know they’ll make me happy to write, but half the reason I write is to bring joy to other people. And at the rate I’m going, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that at the level I want to. I’m losing faith in myself, I guess. Or maybe I’m just ultra-depressed right now.

I have lots of short stories out at mags and I’m still waiting to hear back on the Novel That Will Get Me Published at the newest pub. company I sent it to. It’s only been 3 months, so I probably have some more waiting to go.

Anyway, I guess I’m off to dream.

Encouragement

I mentioned I have this plan laid out to hopefully get my name and work out to the public this summer. I’ve tweaked it a bit, but I’m still hoping to self-publish a short story collection and get some stories published in magazines. I’ve got my FB site up and I’m working on revamping my website. So things are good…

Mostly.

I’m trying really hard at this. Yet, I keep seeing all the other people who are doing it, too, and it’s really disheartening that “Yeah, you’re special alright, just like all the other people who are JUST. LIKE. YOU.” I’m trying very hard to make myself stand apart from all the other wannabe authors out there. I’m trying to get magazines and journals to publish my work, but I keep getting rejection letters…

It just gets very discouraging.

Today I came across this advice blog. It’s quite old (from 2010), but the content remains relevant.

The first bullet got me: “Don’t let yourself be intimidated by big dreams.” I really like that. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with how big my goals are that I think I’ll never “get there.” I have to remember that I can only get there by taking one step at a time. I have to set attainable goals first. I just think that phrase helps to refocus things.

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I also came across this column about what to do when faced with so much rejection.

I send SO MUCH stuff to magazines and journals and, well, as you can see by my published work page, I rarely receive any acceptances! It really drags me down once in a while. I felt the above author, Holly McDowell, presented some good points, particularly the one about giving yourself permission to write.

A lot of times I feel like giving up after I receive a rejection letter. I think “What’s the point? I’m terrible.” I have to remember that that was one rejection letter. It’s okay that someone said “no” and that it doesn’t mean everything I write is terrible. It’s not a reflection on the rest of my writing, and it doesn’t mean I should stop.

Well, I figured I’d pass these along just in case anyone else needed some motivation as well. 🙂

Remember, you might feel down sometimes, and that’s okay, but don’t ever give up! Believe in yourself!

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Untitled

It came to me in a rush.
It’s probably not even good.

[Untitled]
JCD Kerwin

I’ll stab this pen
a thousand times,
to make my stories
run red with blood.
My heart will look
like a tattered valentine,
but the moon will shine
through its holes
like a billion stars,
ready to dance,
in time,
with your heartbeats.

March, 2015